Harper Christine

I had a healthy, beautiful baby girl.  Her name is Harper Christine.  She was born on September 12.

These past two months have been a whirlwind.  I don’t even know where to start.  Someday I will sit down and write out how birth went, so let’s not start there.

Everything feels completely chaotic and 100% perfect all at the same time.  It feels like I’m going to a party and I am 10 minutes late.  Perpetually 10 minutes late.  That no matter what I do or how I prepare I am still just 10 minutes late.  Maybe I’ll get used to the 10 minutes and start to feel right on time but right now, I’m running late.

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Here is my precious babe.  She has been growing so much.  She smiles.  She laughed the other day, although, the doctor told me that was a fluke because they don’t usually laugh until 4 months.  She’s right because we can’t get her to do it again.

She sleeps pretty well.  She goes to sleep about 10 and gets up once around 3.  She eats every three hours. Obviously, do you see that little belly.  She is a very sweet baby.  She only cries when she is hungry or tired, and really only when she is tired.  When she is hungry she fusses around.  Its cute and annoying.  Its like baby whining.  Ha!

She started daycare a week ago and over the weekend developed her first cold.  It was not pleasant but we survived.  Both of us.

I haven’t been on here in a while and I hope that I can do this more.  I don’t want to forget all of the fun things about my baby.  And I want a place to preserve her as she grows.  But when I got on here today I somehow ended up in my profile page.  My about me said: “I think when you live 10 lifetimes in 4 months its time to get to writing.
I am a wife, an aunt, a sister, a daughter, a Christian, and a women desperately holding on to the hope of becoming a mother.”  All of that desperate hope paid off.  My little miracle is at daycare (probably eating).  I cannot believe that I get to live this beautiful, wonderful life.

 

“It will take longer than you planned, not as long as you feared.”- Greg Holder

In Summmerrrrr!

Seriously!  It is so hot!

How am I supposed to be this pregnant in the middle of the hottest summer of my whole life!
I get it.  That might be a little dramatic but I am not kidding when I say it is hot.  Living in the Midwest you expect a hot summer.  It happens.  I also know that the last couple of years have not been as bad as usual and I knew I could not continue to get a break like that so I knew a big one was coming.  But did it have to be while I was in the back end of my pregnancy?!  In a week I will be in my third trimester.  My belly is huge and it is making me hot.  I never remember it being this hot, this soon.  This is weather you get in August, maybe at the end of July and you get it for a couple of weeks, not months.  There are no signs of it getting any cooler anytime soon.

So welcome to the summer that it was hot and I was pregnant!  I work at a desk job and my boss told me that business attire that I normally adhere too is out the window for me.  As long as I am cool and comfortable he doesn’t care.  I can’t wear my pajamas but I also don’t have to go to painstaking efforts to make sure that I am in dress code.

Thank goodness too because my feet are starting to swell and I would really rather wear a pair of sandals.  Sandals don’t squish my feet so much.

I’ll just keep writing about the that time I was pregnant in summer.  But I know one thing, if I do anything this summer it will be finding a swimsuit.  Who cares how big my belly is when its in a pool.

Sounds refreshing already!

Baby, Baby, Baby

Friends!

Preparing for a baby is exhausting!  I have been reading so much about labor & delivery, and breastfeeding, and bringing a baby home.  I am excited and nervous and everything in between.  I think that no matter what you go thru they tell you not to read about it.  Reading about pregnancy and having a baby has been invaluable, at least for me.  I have not idea what I am getting myself into but listening to other people say that they didn’t know either lets me know that I am not alone.

I have two pages of “projects” I want to get done at my house before the baby arrives.  I want to make some freezer meals in the next few weeks so that my husband and I have something to eat when the baby gets here.  I have 3 baby showers to get to.

I’m tired…

I’m also so excited.  I have been working on my projects so the list is getting shorter.  I am going to wait a couple of weeks before I start my freezer meals so that they are still fresh when we eat them.  And I love that I am having baby showers.  It’s my turn!!  And all of my favorite people in one place!  That really is my most favorite thing.

I have just over 90 days left.  I cannot wait to meet this little lady.  We also have just over 90 days to come up with a name but that’s a story for another day.  I am as ready now as I will ever be so I’m just still waiting.

My body is changing and my little love is wiggling around.  All is good.

 

“What if I fall?”
“Oh my darling.  What if you fly?”  -Eleanor Roosevelt

Peapod

I am pregnant!
Holy Crap I am pregnant.  I am 15 weeks and you would think that this far along I wouldn’t be so surprised by it but I still am.  After all of the heartache and pain and waiting I am having a baby!

It seems so surreal but God’s timing is always perfect.  Last year was terrible and this year has been really great so far.  Not everything has been sunshine and roses, that’s unrealistic but it has been great.  I am excited about what the rest of the year will bring us.

I have been calling my husband Peapod for years.  Long story short because we are two peas in a pod.  And now we are having our own little peapod.  I have a doctors appointment every two weeks.  I go in hear the heartbeat and leave.  That’s it.  But that little heartbeat lets me know everything is ok.  This baby is growing and getting bigger and stronger.  I am still nervous sometimes that something will go horribly wrong but I am trusting that in September I will get to meet this little lady.  (It’s a girl.)  That she will scream and wail and be everything that I was hoping for and more.  So every morning I tell myself that everything is fine.  And I wait.

I wait for my tummy to grow.  To be able to feel this baby move.  For baby showers and nursery décor.  I wait.

I meant what I said.  God’s timing is perfect.  And I am trusting him that this little lady is perfect too.

1 Samuel 1:27 For this child I prayed, and the Lord the granted me my petition that I made to him.

The best way out is always through. -Robert Frost

And the year is coming to a close.  Finally!

And now a recap.  I wanted to remember some of the best things about the year but I didn’t necessarily need everyone’s approval of them (like on FB).

First of all I won the bet with my husband, barely.  He lost 1.44% of his body weight and I lost 1.5%.  I didn’t really rub it in his face because he definitely worked harder.  I just pulled out all of the stops before my last weigh in.  I did my last weigh in the morning, after my workout.  I couldn’t have gotten much lighter.  It’s a good start for the new year.

Christmas was much better than I was worried that it would be.  I was worried about not being able to spend our usual Christmas morning with my dad.  My sister in laws mom invited my husband and I over.  (We’re really all just one big family.) We went and she was really amazing.  She had gifts for us.  And just treated us like we had always been coming there.  Brad and I are still talking about how hospitable she was.  She also gave me the most amazing gift.  Its a mounted door knob from the house that my dad lived in.  She had one for me and each of my brothers.  The back says “I’m all in.”-Tom Donovan
When she gave it to me I cried.  How could I not?  What an amazing gift.  So thoughtful!  And she has had those doorknobs for probably six months. She thought of it long before she ever invited us over.  It’s absolutely invaluable.

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Looking at it now makes me choked up….moving on.

I have had a rough year.  That’s been no secret but it’s worth mentioning the things that I have done that I have enjoyed.  I have been able to travel…so much travel.

Travel is the only thing you buy that makes you richer.

I started the year by going to Colorado.  I went to go skiing but because of surgery I was unable to ski.  It was still amazing and so pretty!  I am ready to go back.

I have been to visit family in Cuba (Missouri) twice.  I have been to Jefferson City twice.  I have been to Branson twice.

I also went to Wisconsin to see my best friend, Texas for a wedding, Florida for Disney & Destin, Oklahoma for a surprise birthday party, and Virginia for Thanksgiving.

I have been kayaking, been to a Meghan Trainor concert, and been to a couple of Cardinals games.

I have also had friends from Jefferson City and Joplin stay at my house.  And my family for Kansas City stay.

If I have learned anything its that family props me up when I can’t stand on my own and that I only get one life.  It would be in my best interest to start living it.

When you loose someone you frantically look for someone to fill the void of the person you lost.  What I ended up getting was people who loved me through one of the hardest time I have ever experienced.  I got phone calls, gifts, and letters from people letting me know that they loved me, they cared for me, and they were covering me in prayer.  Some days I got up and went to work when I didn’t want to.  I sometimes showed up in wrinkled clothes and ponytail hair.  I showed up without makeup and without sleep but I still forced myself to show up.  It’s not easy.  But I still did it.

I also hearing that I am strong.  What I do doesn’t feel strong.  It feels necessary.  I can’t waist my life because I miss the life of someone else.  The hurt comes and when it does I am sad but I won’t let myself stay sad.  I have a lot to be thankful for.  I’ll keep reminding myself to give thanks for what I do have instead of counting what I don’t.

So I guess Robert Frost was right.  The best way out is always through.

I am pretty sure I am going to win

Last night my husband and I made a deal…sort of…
we need to work out some of the details but its me vs. him.  In a weight loss battle.  It ends on Christmas.  So I have 25 days to smash him.

I want to be in a smaller pant by Christmas.  I want to comfortably wear a smaller pant to Christmas.  I need some motivation and beating my husband seems like good motivation.  🙂  Sucker!

Like I said I don’t have any details but I know that its on!

May the best man woman win!

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I don’t have to like it. I just have to survive it. -Chonda Pierce

Have you ever had a plan for your life and then all at one there’s a wrench thrown in it.  You’re going left and really enjoying left and then there’s a road block that forces you right.

My life is a wrench.  I had a plan.  I’ve actually had lots of plans.  What those plans usually get me is new plans.

I have for a long time struggled with what I am going to do with the rest of my life.  I have especially struggled since I lost my dad.  Death has a way of making you reevaluate your life.  After a lot of talking and planning and reading and researching I made some decisions.  I was going to go back to school.  I was going to be able to work from home.  I was going to do all of this with my best friend.  And then things get in the way and other opportunities are presented.  While I am putting my plans into motion, I got a promotion.  I also heard that someone I know might offer me a job.  All of this because I made a plan.

What a morning!

I don’t know what my deal is today but I have been so emotional…
I cried all the way to work.  45 minutes of continuous tears.  I don’t even know why.  I am about to go on vacation but that doesn’t stress me out.  That excites me!  My rule for vacation is (and always has been) that I need a swimsuit and a clean pair of underwear.  Everything else is just details and I don’t do details.  As long as I have those two things I don’t care about anything else.  But still I cry.  I really hope this doesn’t follow me around all day.  Ha!

I did warn my friend and work when I got to work this morning so that she wouldn’t be surprised if I randomly burst into tears.  I want to blame this on my Lupron Depot shot but I haven’t felt like this the whole time I have been on the shot why would I feel like this now?  And I had my last shot 3 weeks ago so I know its not because it making its way out of my system.  It hasn’t been long enough.  I am just a mess today.

On my lunch I am going to go for a walk and try to clear my head.  Hopefully I can pull it together.  Either I will pull it together or I won’t talk to anyone for the rest of the day.

I did work out this morning and when I got to the gym the first song that was on the radio was Life in the Fast Lane by The Eagles.  That’s totally a dad song.  My dad loved The Eagles and I knew all of the words to that song because of him.  I am also a huge Eagles fan because of him too.  But the song made me smile.  It didn’t make me sad.  Its not like I started my day off in a sad place.

I also feel anticipation everywhere.  I am anticipating going out of town this weekend.  I am anticipating going on vacation the following week.  I am anticipating being pregnant and doing work on my house and yard.  I am anticipating Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Maybe my anticipation is overcoming me and I cry.

I have no idea.  But today, I am outside of my comfort zone.  I am weepy and emotional and strong.  All at the same time.

“I will only sing your praise.” -Hillsong United

Hope that wouldn’t let go

My Story by Big Daddy Weave

If I told you my story
You would hear Hope that wouldn’t let go
And if I told you my story
You would hear Love that never gave up
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life, but it wasn’t mine

If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

If I told you my story
You would hear victory over the enemy
And if I told you my story
You would hear freedom that was won for me
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life overcome the grave

If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

This is my story, this is my song
Praising my savior all the day long
This is my story, this is my song
Praising my savior all the day long

For the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell
For the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

This is my story, this is my song
Praising my savior all the day long

So here’s where I am.  I feel like everything is coming back together.  A week ago I has my last shot of Lupron Depot.  I has what could potentially be my last counseling appointment on Tuesday.  I have been making dinner.  I am 23 days from vacation.  I started a new diet the ‘seems’ to be working.  After tomorrow my dads house will no longer be our responsibility.

I feel like all of the things in my life are starting to line up.  Finally.  Its tempting to not speak of this goodness.  It seems like as soon as you do the whole thing falls apart.  But what kind of life would I have if I only shared the bad parts?  If I only shared the parts that are keeping me down?

I posted this song because I love Big Daddy Weave and for the first two lines.  I haven’t given up and I haven’t given up hope.  This has been a rough year but I think that it is starting to turn around.  I know now that I can face what comes at me.  Grief knocked me on my butt 100% but I didn’t give up.  I still have days where missing my dad overwhelms me and knocks the breath out of my but it no longer pulls the rug out from underneath me.  I literally think about him everyday but those thoughts are filled with love and laughter.  Not as much with sorrow and pain.  I am sure that I will always think fondly of him and I hope that he his proud of me now and always will be.

But for now the next page.

The next page is waiting for my period.  I have read six to eight weeks.  I really hope that it is only six to eight weeks.  I have a doctors appointment at the end of the month to confirm.  So I’ll let the professional tell me what to expect.  Does anyone have any thoughts?  After I have my period we can try to have a baby.

The shot has made my gain a lot of weight and my plan is to try to loose as much as I can before I go on vacation.  It seems to be working.  I don’t have unrealistic weight loss goals for the next few weeks but I have made some drastic changes to make them happen.  I will weigh for the first time on Sunday morning so we will know better on Sunday if it works!

I have a half day at work tomorrow to finish up some dad things and then it will just be focusing on me and my family.  Healing and laughing and playing again.  I can’t wait!!

So to the hilltop I am currently standing on.  Thanks for coming back to me.  It’s been a while.  🙂

Just take me anywhere

I have sent a lot of flowers over the years.  My husband’s mom used to get them at least once a year.  (That’s what we get someone who has everything.)  We have sent them to friends as a congratulations for a promotion, as housewarming gifts, and for a sign of sympathy.

Today I had two sets of bouquets sent to a funeral tomorrow.  When I got off the phone with the florist, I sat, at my desk, with my head in my hands.  Speechless.  Unmovable.  Hurt.  I had two bouquets sent to the church that I used to attend for a funeral for two teenage girls.  17 & 13.  These two girls had homes that my husband grew up in.  He watched them grow.  We watched them grow.  They were killed with a third friend whose funeral is Sunday (and we did not know).  They were hit head on by an adult woman trying to flee police by traveling the wrong way down the highway.  These two girls were cousins and this family has suffered a tremendous loss.  Tomorrow my husband will attend the funeral, alone.

One of my friends is also their cousin and all I want to is to hug her.  But tomorrow I can’t do that.  I am not prepared to sit in a funeral.  Especially not one so provoking or heartbreaking.  I want to show my support but for now it has to be done from afar.  I know that my friends will understand.  I just wish that I understood.

Maybe I do understand.  Maybe I understand better than most people the kind of pain they are dealing with.  The loss of the most important loved one.

Hurt.

I just want to be anywhere.  I just want my friends to be anywhere.  Anywhere but here.

Anywhere where grief doesn’t consume you and corrupt you.  Anywhere where the black cloud doesn’t linger.  Anywhere where days are normal, not new normal.

Anywhere but here.